I know all you Nicholas Sparks fans are going to run right out and see this film no matter what I say, so I’m going to address those of you who haven’t seen any of his film adaptations since The Notebook, and might think it’s time to stick a toe back into the romance author’s puddle of tears. The Longest Ride feels like one long Bachelor date–all that’s missing is a Rose Ceremony. See gorgeous but vacuous people respond to painfully contrived situations while taking advantage of every opportunity to strip down to their skivvies.

The best thing I can say about the film is that there’s plenty of eye candy. If Scott Eastwood (yes, he’s the son of Clint),  has zero chemistry with co-star Britt Robertson, at least he sparks with the camera and audience. But his stunningly good looks are a mask for his vacuous character — he comes across like the most shallow of all Bachelors–the guy you keep waiting for to reveal some depth of soul, and then find out there’s no there there.

The plot is equally vapid. She’s a college co-ed, he’s a bull rider. He gives her his hat. She takes it. That’s pretty much it.

Also, the dialogue is about as stimulating as that which you’d hear on a Bachelor date. There’s no wit, no humor, no clever double entendre. This could easily be distracted amateurs conversing on a reality show, for all the thought, skill and effort that appears to have gone into the script. An attempt has been made to give the story some depth by adding Alan Alda into the mix, as an old guy reminiscing about the love of his life, giving unintentional relationship advice via soft-focus flashbacks. It’s a device that’s been done to death, and I’m really surprised the filmmakers have resorted to it yet again.

Now you know I’d never reveal any spoilers or significant plot points, but lets just say that the twist at the end is about as believable as a guy proposing to a girl he’s only been alone with for a couple of hours. Even the most fervent devotees of the genre will find it a stretch. The Longest Ride will not be receiving a rose from me.

Rated PG-13

2 Hours 8 Minutes

Get times and tickets at Fandango.com

THE LONGEST RIDE Review