Lisa Johnson Mandell’s Madame Web review wonders why a film with no romance, care, excitement or emotion was given a Valentine’s Day release.

It seems a little cruel to dogpile on a movie that has been bashed even before it was released. But for the life of me, I’m having a really hard time coming up with anything kind to say about Madame Web.

All those seemingly infinite resources, and this is what the filmmakers come up with? Perhaps this is the beginning of the end of the unshakeable hold that superhero movies have had on the box office for the past decade and a half.

Now, to clear up a little confusion about where this movie fits in the superhero genre, yes, it is a Spiderman spin-off and Spiderman is a Marvel character. But no, Madame Web is not part of Disney’s Marvel Universe. Sony holds the licensing to Spiderman and all its spidey off-shoots. When Spiderman does cavort with Thor, Iron Man, The Hulk, etc., it’s with the express permission of Sony executives.

I can’t help but wonder what those Sony execs were thinking when they gave the green light to Madame Web.

Madame Web review: The plot

You don’t get the feeling anyone involved with the film tried very hard. Dakota Johnson sleepwalks her way through the portrayal of Cassie, a misanthropic paramedic whose mother died giving birth to her in a jungle where she was researching exotic spiders with curative powers. Granted, Johnson was given a ridiculous, cliche-ridden script, but had she inserted a little emotion, perhaps a whiff of irony here and there, her performance might have been more memorable.

Cassie inadvertently finds herself in a position to protect three teenage girls who have caught the lethal attention of one Ezekiel Sims (who coincidentally had a nefarious connection with Cassie’s mom back in the jungle). Played by Tahar Rahim, (Napoleon, The Mauritanian), he is one of the most lackluster, forgettable villains to stumble across the big screen. Should he rain down hellfire on the girls who he dreams are destined to kill him, or should he buff his nails? Does anyone really care?

The entire film seems like one long, tiresome setup for a sequel, a goal that is sadly (but perhaps fortunately for viewers) out of its reach.

Rated PG-13

1 Hour 57 Minutes

If, after reading this Madame Web review, you still want to see it, get times and tickets at Fandango.com.

Lisa Johnson Mandell’s Madame Web review wonders why a film with no romance, excitement or emotion was given a Valentine’s Day release.