By Staci Layne Wilson
@StaciWilson

If you’ve ever dreamed of watching a scantily-clad Salma Hayek’s ta-ta’s bounce in time to the tat-tat of machine gun fire while Christmas carols blare, then do we have the movie for you. It’s called Everly, and is it ever a trip.

The titular Everly is played to the hilt by Hayek, and she’s got an ax to grind – just to mention one of a dozen or so weapons at hand – against the Yakuza pimps who enslaved her, violated her, and then put a price on her pretty head. Everly doesn’t take any of this lying down. In fact, she channels her inner ’80’s action hero and wreaks bloody, brutal revenge on every living thing bearing XY chromosomes, slaughtering them all.

And that’s just in the first five minutes.

Everly is trapped in a high-rise hell hole controlled by Yakuza boss Taiko (Hiroyuki Watanabe), and the only way she’s getting out of there is feet-first. Taiko offers a hefty cash incentive to anyone who can make that happen, and pretty soon the baddies are slithering from the woodwork. In a scene reminiscent of Kill Bill, a pack of pulchritudinous assassins make their play – Everly’s former friend Dena (Jennifer Blanc) comes the closest, but even she can’t sweet talk her way into the gun-toting call girl’s good graces. The stakes are raised when, somehow, Everly’s matronly mom and young daughter infiltrate the fortress, getting past the guards, and into the apartment. Needless to say, this makes Everly vulnerable… but not too fragile to take out another half-dozen or so bounty-hunters.

Fans of the horror genre know and love director Joe Lynch from his directorial debut (the cheeky, insidery low-budgeter Wrong Turn 2), as well as his work with FearNet. He’s hip to all the ins and outs of grue and gore and he spares not a single blood-drop. Fans of every flick from Hostel to Cujo will delight in the over-the-top torture, eviscerations, hand-grenade blasts, katana killings and vicious attack dogs.

To say it is violent is an understatement. Not quite as serious in its stance as The Raid movies, but not as tongue-in-cheek as feel-good flicks like Bitch Slap, Everly falls somewhere in between. For some inexplicable reason it’s set at Christmastime (probably as a nod to Die Hard, but if you dislike holiday tunes as much as I do, you’ll find the soundtrack distracting). The notion of an adorable tot tossed into the midst of all the murderous mayhem is a bit much; I think the script could have been a bit less clichéd (or more. It didn’t quite find a balance).

However, it’s quite a feat to keep so much action contained within the walls of a single apartment (with a little overflow into the hallway and elevator) and to keep it all interesting and entertaining – kudos to Lynch. On top of that, the considerable cast (maybe not thousands, but even DeMille would’ve had his hands full with all these killers) is truly top-notch.

If you enjoy escalating stakes – think: Shoot’Em Up, or any Jason Statham thriller – and you don’t mind an eyeful of sexy Salma Hayek, then Everly is a worthwhile time-waster.

Rated R

92 Minutes