It is with deepest regret that I inform you Zoolander 2 has passed from the world of comedic cinema and moved on to the densely populated nether regions of  ill-advised sequels. I dearly loved, laughed at and quoted the original Zoolander film, and even shamelessly copied the male super model’s signature look, Blue Steel, in a selfie or two. But that will never happen again, now that Ben Stiller has carelessly lobotomized his would-be franchise and reduced it to a waste of time, talent and money.

What were Ben Stiller and co-writer Justin Theroux (star of The Leftovers and husband of Jennifer Aniston), along with Nicholas Stoller and John Hamburg, thinking? That they could get away with this sloppy, lazy mess of a script just because they are who they are? To give you an example of the ludicrousness of the story, it starts out promisingly enough with Justin Beiber succumbing to a plot to eliminate the world’s most beautiful people, then casts that theme aside in favor of others that involve international espionage/a father and son reunion/a conspiracy theory originating with Adam and Eve and Steve/a cabal of the world’s greatest designers. Don’t worry if you didn’t follow all that. You could sit through the movie 15 times and still not get it.

Sting, who has more than just a cameo, deserves an apology, as do fashion icons like Valentino, Marc Jacobs, Anna Winter, Vera Wang and Tommy Hilfiger, all who make brief appearances. You would assume that Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig, Penelope Cruz and Owen Wilson read the entire script before they signed on, so they at least knew what they were in for. Everyone’s performances are actually good — they’re all trying their best to make a silk purse out of this sow’s ear.

But there’s only so much pros can do with the unforgivably sloppy material they were given to work with. Can you believe that  this is part of the same team that wrote Tropic Thunder, in my opinion one of the best comedies ever? Or that these guys let the original Zoolander sink so far in a sequel? Really, they should have just let the original rest in comedic peace–it deserved so much better.

ZOOLANDER 2 Review — Insert ‘Number Two’ Joke Here

Rated PG-13

1 Hour 40 Minutes

Get times and tickets at Fandango.com.

ZOOLANDER 2 Review — Insert ‘Number Two’ Joke Here