Gorgeous and talented little Shailene Woodley got naked on the screen for the first time in this? What a waste! That’s my overall reaction to the quality of the film, but I am intrigued by White Bird in a Blizzard for a completely different and irrelevant reason. This could be the first and only time in history when my film review neatly coincides with one of my stories on Hollywood homes.

Imagine my surprise when I hunker down in a private screening room, and see the film opening with Kat (Shailene Woodley) knocking on her boyfriend’s front door, and I realize “THAT’S THE HOUSE TWO DOORS DOWN FROM ME!” The critic who was sitting on my left probably still has a bruise on her thigh because I accidentally slapped it…hard. Good thing she’s a true friend. Forgetting to pay attention to the film, I flashed back to about a year ago, when a location scout came knocking at the doors of everyone on our bucolic street, taking pictures inside, out, front and back. Most of us were disappointed when our houses didn’t get picked, but that disappointment changed to relief when we saw what the film crew did to the house that was selected. They made it look way shabby.

As a matter of fact, shabby is a good way to describe the entire film, followed by the question, “What’s the point?”

White Bird in a Blizzard wastes a great cast, including Woodley, Eva Green, Christopher Meloni, Gabourey Sidibe and Thomas Jane, among others, in a sad little coming of age tale beginning in 1988, about Kat, a teenager suffering from excruciating ennui, dealing with the aftermath of her mother’s (Eva Green) disappearance.  Kat commiserates with her obligatory posse consisting of the wise-cracking, overweight girl (Sadibe) and angst filled but fabulous gay guy (Mark Indelicato—who played the same role in Ugly Betty). The teenage vocabulary consists mostly of F-bombs and crude scatalogical terms, making it sound as if the script was written by middle aged screenwriters who think that’s the way all teens talk, but really have no clue. Director Gregg Araki seems also to be clueless about human emotion, because no one in this film seems to have any. Everyone moves languidly and speaks in a monotone.

There’s nothing here you haven’t seen before, except, perhaps, for Woodley’s flawless naked body. Sure, it’s as close to perfection as the human form can get, but do we really want/need to see Tris (Divergent) Hazel Grace (The Fault in Our Stars) or George Clooney’s daughter (The Descendants) naked? It just made me uncomfortable. Save a little something for someone special, sweetie!

And as for the house where a lot of White Bird in a Blizzard was shot, my neighbor who owns it hasn’t seen the film yet, and I warned him that it’s not pretty. But they did pay him a pretty penny for use of it, so he’s likely the only one who will profit.

Rated R

91 Minutes